Posted in Uncategorized

Goals for 2018

Even though my heart is bleeding and aching, I am focusing on the following goals for 2018:

  • Pass my CPNRE and get my permanent nursing license
  • Buy a car
  • Start working in two hospitals
  • Apply for Canadian citizenship
  • Go home and see my family
  • Travel Asia and Europe
  • Move to a nicer condo
  • Go to the gym religiously and lose 20 lbs. of weight
  • Attend my graduation that didn’t happen this year
  • Meet my friends more and bond with them
  • Start paying off my student loans little by little
  • Post wonderful blogs
  • Buy a beginner’s camera
  • Doodle more
Posted in Love, Own Story, Uncategorized

Saddest Christmas

crying-lady

It’s been a while since I went home. For eight Christmases, I spent them all in a foreign country. This is by far, the saddest of them all. I was trying my best to cope and move on from my recent breakup and it’s slowly eating me day by day. I love him and I know he doesn’t feel the same anymore. I’ve pictured myself being with him, happy and contented.

Three weeks and I’m still on the same spot. I’m usually strong and could face anything, but this time, I guess I really fell into a deep hole. My guards were down and I just let him swallow the whole of me. He made it seem that he loved me, that he cared about me and I was all that mattered to him. The relationship went hot to cold and I would have tried anything to salvage it. I remembered how he looked at me with his gentle eyes and whisper I love you. Then at a snap, it changed.

Days passed and we became stagnant. I was willing to fix it, work on our differences. Maybe I became too comfortable and maybe I was not capable to make him happy anymore.

I wonder if…

…he still thinks about me.

…what happened to our relationship?

…what did I do wrong to make him go away?

…am I not enough?

I never pressured him to do anything he doesn’t like. I would ask him if he wants to do anything and he would be adamant to do what I was suggesting. I do enjoy his company even though he doesn’t enjoy the things I like to do. I just didn’t know that it bothered him so much that he has to drop me like a hot potato.

I respect him so much that when he asked for a little bit of a space, I just gave it to him. Little did I know that he already made up his mind and the break that we were having was his way of slowly easing away from our relationship.

It hurts. I have never been hurt like this before. I loved him dearly and I still love him. I don’t know how long can I recover from this feeling but I know it may take a while. I’m trying, I really am. But when everything becomes quiet and I’m alone, I can’t help but be sad. I hope I can recover and move on totally. I will be able to.

The sadness that lurks in my heart right now is indescribable. I hope he’s happy.

I hope I can be happy soon, that’s all I am praying for.

 

 

Posted in Love, Own Story, Uncategorized

The Beginning of the End

He said he needed time to think about our relationship. That was louder than the bomb that has been dropped at Nagasaki and Hiroshima during the World War II. I thought everything was perfect. Wrong.

When he whispered, “I love you,” my world turned colourful and I saw fairy dust in the air. Loving someone and being in a relationship are probably one of the greatest aphrodisiac in this life time. You savour every moment and you’re magically taken to a place you’ve never been before.

I loved it when he opened the doors for me and treated me like a princess. How he gently stared at me every time, gave me butterflies in my stomach. He would look at me sweetly and give me kisses. We would share jokes and laugh together happily as a couple.

Fast forward to the day he became cold and indifferent. I don’t know what to do or say to him, because I don’t want to drive him away. I was never good at confrontations. I was scared to lose him. What went wrong? What have I done wrong? Did I upset him? How could I fix it?

So, he wanted his space and I gave it to him. And by giving it to him, he will realize that he loves me and we can look into our differences. Wrong again.

After a week of endless wallowing in my tears, various distractions and late night contemplation, he finally sent me a text. “Good morning, how are you?” My heart jumped. Would he say he missed me? Would he say he loves me and will stay with me? Will we find a way to iron out our differences? But, no. He wanted to meet and talk in person. Suddenly, my heart started to throb very fast. I know I would’t like what he will tell me, so I told him to call me and just tell me over the phone. He called me. The conversation was very casual. I went directly to the point and asked how did his “thinking about our relationship” went? He just replied with zero emotion, “I’m sorry, I don’t think we can continue.” I was shocked.

I did see it coming but when I heard those words, I just became speechless. It’s real. Oh, is this happening? I wanted to sob but I told myself to be strong. I asked him what was his reason and I couldn’t remember the exact words he said. I just knew that what it meant was he doesn’t love me anymore. Initially, we had a discussion about our differences and these were rubbing off a bit, according to him. That I don’t do what he likes to do and he doesn’t want to do what I like to do. And oh, that I wanted to have a kid some time in the future and he doesn’t. Not in his plans, not going to change.

At that point, I wasn’t able to dissect the situation. I just said okay and began sobbing. I ended the call and I was left alone in my room trying to absorb what happened.

The process of moving on was difficult. You meet a person who became your world, shared your everyday experiences with and loved unconditionally; and the next thing you know, they’re a total stranger. You’ll wonder what went wrong and blame yourself for the end of the relationship. You’ll try to reason out for this person and lose all your rational thinking because you want to convince yourself that it’s still going to work. You’ll remember all the good memories you had and cry at the end realizing that it has already ended. Gone. It’s a done deal. He left you. He dumped you.

This person who you gave your heart away to and treated with utmost respect did this to you. He doesn’t care what you think or how you feel. He doesn’t take into consideration if you’ll be hurt or break your heart. He doesn’t even ask how you felt and only cares about how he feels. He is a self-serving human being. He doesn’t care about you, he just cares about himself!

What to do? Move on! The end of this relationship is a beginning of endless opportunities to explore the world of single-hood. Embrace it while it lasts. Keep your head up high. You’re beautiful, kind and sweet. You will find a person who would appreciate what you can offer and treat you like a fragile glass. The end of a relationship is not the end of your happiness. It teaches a lesson of strength, self-improvement and determination. Yes. Embrace it. Most importantly, cut yourself some slack and don’t blame yourself. It was never your fault. Some things just don’t work out the way we wanted them to. This is just the beginning. Smile and move forward.

 

Posted in Own Story, Uncategorized

Mantra

Life is easy. Wrong. Years ago, my perception was as a simple as this. After finishing my Nursing degree back home (Philippines), I felt as if I own the world. The experience was surreal. I was dreamy and then comes defeat. And then you’re doomed, the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting farther and farther.

For many reasons, I gathered myself up and tried to overcome these hurdles. If one is unlucky, I would consider myself the superlative of those. Surely, if I didn’t survive those storms, I would have been 6-feet under (just an exaggeration).

My aunt would always lecture me on how ‘real life’ is. Those two words always rang my ears, repetitively. So there would be times when I have to mumble in tears, self-pitying. Why, though? You can’t force the universe to just make everything happen, according to your own inclination. It just doesn’t happen that way. It’s magically designed to fall into place according to its rhythm.

So, what now? Now is the time to embrace what lies ahead. Savor it, live with it and continue those efforts. The fruits of your labor would surely give you the greatest accomplishment you will ever encounter. Be grateful. Spread those wings and look unto the world, tell yourself, you are more mature, sensible and strong. Live each day with gratitude and humility. Love, there’s so much to give and be taken in return. Life will be fantastic starting from now. Don’t forget, goodness is vital, it’s your secret ingredient to life’s complicated recipe.—ANNE

 

Posted in Uncategorized

The Finest Season: Autumn

Beneath the golden leaves of those maple trees was a dream come true. This country offered me various opportunities my own home cannot. Although at times, I feel rough and topsiturvy, I could still count my blessings.

The fallen leaves represent every defeat, misery & anguish I had. Regrets? No. For every Autumn that comes & goes, is a soul that is hungry for new experiences and adventures.

Posted in Own Story

Untitled

It seems like I’m walking in a very long tunnel. Dark and cold. The light’s too far away from my grasp. If only I could put an end to what I’m feeling. Not what you’re thinking, but there comes a time when you feel as if you’ve been stripped with all the happiness in the world, then you become numb and cold like the tunnel I’m walking in right now.

For years, I’ve been struggling. For what, you may ask.  Struggling to fight away the meanness and insensitivity of people who surround me. I give in, rest my case or walk away from endless bickering & nagging which makes me the coward and the underdog. I’ve done this a few times, not just a few, but many times. There would be no point in explaining at all. You can never defend yourself to a person who can’t hear you (or doesn’t want to listen to you).

I don’t need to be constantly reminded of what I should do and what should have done. There are quite a few things that should just be left alone. Mistakes should be buried, or learn from. Once stumbled, you rise up and not repeat history again. My battles are my own and I should face them alone.

Posted in Uncategorized

How to Get There

Screenshot 2015-08-25 21.20.25Just one of those nights when sleep doesn’t come at all. Playing my thoughts around with life’s struggles keep me up all night. From a day’s exhaustion of endless working to being alone in the four corners of my room. My body says rest, yet my mind is just beginning to awaken. But I wish I could think of happy thoughts at this point. Sadness seeps in. The reason? Unknown. My tiredness comes from dealing with the people around me. I can’t, I just can’t.

My life was simpler then. Simpler but happier. Or maybe I got older. Sometimes, I wish I have a magic wand to undo my mistakes in the past. It’s eating me. I can’t get by. Maybe I need someone to help me. One thing that I need is a person to talk with. Someone who would listen and not judge me of who I am. The internet can provide me all the answers I need, but it doesn’t console me totally. It doesn’t listen to me.

Maybe I’m looking for something which I haven’t found yet. Or I will never find. How do I get there? Only time will tell.

Posted in Own Story, Photography & Travel

Living it up in the Knife (Yellowknife)

Living in Yellowknife at this time of the year is the worst thing, I think. You would be going out at a temperature of up to -52 degrees Celsius and be overwhelmed with the horrific coldness. It happens to be my 4th winter in Canada now and I am still not getting used to this coldness, well growing up in a tropical country (Philippines), I suppose. After being in this city for four months, I begin to appreciate the brighter side of the city.

20131217-205740.jpg

Coming from Ottawa, which is certainly a bigger city than YK, it was a huge change. Three years of living up in that city made me get used to a more urban/suburban living. What I mean is, everything is accessible at a snap. Ottawa has a nice public transit and is quite easier to anybody who doesn’t have a vehicle, like me which is just so neat. Even though I’m still trying to adjust to the culture and the dynamics that this city possesses, I have to make the most out of it and enjoy every single second.

I came at a very good time in this city which is the nicest season. Lakes, beach, fishing, canoeing, and, oh sun! This place has a lot to offer. If you are into these kinds of things, this is the place for you. One of my favorite places  is the Pilots’ Monument, where you could see a breathtaking view of the most part of the city. The awesome boat houses that afloat in the clear blue waters of the lake will capture your attention. During the winter, the lakes freeze and people could walk over it.

20131217-205921.jpg

I miss the summer and the warm weather. The winter in this part of Canada, they said is one of the coldest in this country. You have to be dressed really good and be prepared to battle the freezing weather. Apart from dreading the coldness so much, I like how beautiful outside is. The soft snow that blankets the trees, ground and houses, it truly is magnificent.

20131217-205912.jpg

20131217-205928.jpg

20131217-210027.jpg

I’d say, change is good. Yellowknife, please be good to me. I’m really beginning to love this place and will see what the future has in store for me. 🙂

Posted in Own Story

Life’s Tough

What makes you strong? It’s when everything falls apart, when all the decisions you’ve chosen has been a mistake. Probably the worst is when nobody can ever comfort you or understand how you feel. Your emotions are tangled from being obnoxious to being doomed. It’s when life is being unpleasant to you, and you have no other way out than just to hold onto yourself and placate your rage.

What a depressing day. 😦

Posted in Health & Medicine, Own Story

On Nursing

Image

I definitely miss working in a hospital. For four years, I did endure all the hardships of Nursing school just to finish my degree. After passing the Licensure Exam, it seems perfect. You got your license and you’re ready to go.

You think you can practice your profession immediately and then have a permanent job. Philippines then has a huge amount of nurses, it was at its peak. We have to undergo volunteer-ship for 6 months and get a certain kind of certification that says you practiced your profession and you can put on your resume. I went for the volunteership program, I did it with the provincial hospital in our town. Unfortunately, I was not able to finish it, for some personal reasons, I dare not tackle here.

Nursing is a profession that is suitable not only for the skilled ones, but to those people who has the heart to help other people. Maybe, in our country, it was a profession for people who can afford the expensive tuition fees.it’s so funny because you spent thousands or millions in your education to finish Nursing school and after getting all licenses and certificates you end up not getting a job or just going for a different field, or worse, practice your nursing profession with just a tiny amount of salary.

Working to care for others not only boost your pocket, but your soul as well. Not in the Philippines. Yes, we know for a fact that we need to help people, we swore to aid those who are ill and suffering from different kinds of illnesses. That was in the past. The reality is, we need to live. And to live, you have to work. And when you work, you have to be paid good. This is the scenario. You work as a staff nurse in a certain ward. Let’s say, you have 20 patients. You get paid about a minimum of 14,000php , that’s about $340 a month. Yes, a month! So in 30 days you are getting a total of $12 a day and you are looking after a lot of patients. How will you live with that? Other graduates resort to getting a job as a telemarketer in a call center and mostly leave the country.

Physicians will treat you as their slaves, forgive me, but not all. I am talking through experience. They talk to you as if you are such a lowlife and you’re being enslaved. Some will embarrass you when you didn’t carry out a specific order (Yeah, you have 20 patients, I know we are dealing with lives but, minor mistakes are just ok, right?). And they call themselves professional doctors, yeah right.

I love this profession. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. Aside from the fact that it pays so good especially when you practice it here in North America, I can grow as a person( or let me rephrase that, it pays your bills good). Helping others enriches your being. Every gratitude that you receive from your patients wipes all the tiredness away, there’s a sense of fulifillment. I hope I’ll be able to practice my profession soon.

Posted in Food & Drinks, Own Story

All About Food

I love cooking and of course, I love eating. I love anything about food. Probably because I came from a family with good cooking skills, it’s in the genes. Cooking for other people makes me happy, maybe I have some culinary talent, or so I think, who knows? My boss would always say I am a good cook. Maybe it’s the one field I should explore cause I love doing it.

20121129-095004.jpg

20121129-095014.jpg

20121129-095747.jpg

20121129-095752.jpg

20121129-095756.jpg

20121129-095800.jpg

20121129-095804.jpg

20121129-095807.jpg

20121129-095811.jpg

Posted in Own Story

So Winter is Here.. Finally!

After being in Canada for more than two years, seeing the snow is still a novelty. Every time the winter comes, I am still excited but a little frustrated. It’s the time of the year when you get to bundle up and endure the extreme cold weather. I remember one time when it was pretty cold and my feet were frozen that I can’t even wiggle my toes anymore, it just sucks. I thought I am going to lose my toes!

What’s more frustrating is everybody goes shopping and the malls are packed with people especially on the weekends. They’re rushing to buy some presents. As Christmas draws near, I am missing home. Christmas in the Philippines is not as white as it is in Canada but my family and friends are there.

 

20121129-093837.jpg

20121129-093901.jpg

20121129-093909.jpg