Posted in Own Story

Redemption

crossroads

For weeks, I was a nut case. Not to frighten anybody, but I’m not talking literally. I have zero motivation in life. And definitely, it’s not what I want to hear from myself, nor the people that care about me. My friends have been supportive about the whole breakup situation and I am really grateful that they’re on my side.

But quite frankly, I could spend the day with them, laughing and joking around, and when I get home to my apartment alone and just hearing the clock tick tock-ing, that’s when the sadness seeps in. I couldn’t say that I am a weak person, cause I am not. I have encountered worse situations in my life before and yeah, this has taken its toll on me. It is draining me mentally and emotionally. I couldn’t sleep early now. I distract myself from reading self-help books or watching any show on Netflix. I started drawing and it gave me a sense of satisfaction that indeed, I can do something worthwhile. I am valuable.

It’s baffling how a breakup could make you feel worthless about yourself. At first, you will feel you own the world or have won the lottery and in a blink, everything is gone, they’re gone and stole your heart away. Your capability to think straight is shattered, even your ability to breathe freely is compromised.

When somebody breaks your heart, you lose yourself. I understand how many dating advisors would tell you, show them how strong you are as a woman and he will come back running to you because by then, he had realized how worthy of a woman you are. I call it bullshit. In the first place, if the person loves and accepts who you are, he shouldn’t have broken your heart and spirit. A person who truly loves you would never bring a single tear in your eye, would accept you no matter what your differences are, respect you as a human being, and wouldn’t toss you away like trash. One minute they will declare their love for you and the next, they act like a total stranger. But why?

I decided to end this misery by not thinking about the good times we shared. It just hurts me more and brings me back to that limbo where I was when the breakup was still fresh. I am strong. I am an independent woman, but I am human. I am in the process of healing myself and in the end, I will be stronger. I have learned my lesson, a valuable lesson.

I will focus my energy on things that matter in my life. I will love myself more and rebuild myself from the broken pieces that he has left me with. I will be happy not for the sake of others, but for my own. I will live my life for me and not for anybody else. There are goals that need to be accomplished and new memories to be made. I call this redemption. I am redeeming myself from the perils of a one sided relationship, being made worthless by a man who just thinks about himself and unhappiness brought about by a failed relationship.

I, is what matters…

I, is where happiness starts…

I, is the one who realizes her own value…

I, will choose to redeem herself…

 

 

Author:

Filipino-Canadian. Lives in Ottawa, Ontario. Full time frontliner, part-time scribbler.

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